DISCLOSURE: Why Won’t They Tell?

by Dr. Jerry Yager, PsyD

Director of Education & Training

Denver Children’s Advocacy Center

At six years old, Allyson was sexually abused by her cousin.  The perpetrator told her that she was being punished for being bad.  In seventh grade Allyson was caught having oral sex with her male friend. She was disciplined and made to come into treatment. While in therapy she disclosed that she had been abused as a little girl. The therapist had to inform the mother and the Department of Human Services. The first question the mother asked is, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

So many children who have been sexually abused don’t tell anyone and hold the “secret” in for many years.  As parents we would like to believe that if our child was being hurt they would tell someone immediately. Many children will not tell and even make up lies to hide the truth about their abuse for the following reasons:

• Communication:  They have not yet developed the language skills necessary to communicate the experience
• Trust:  They are afraid no one will believe them because that is what the perpetrator told them.
• Protection:  They are protecting someone they love, a parent or relative.
• Shame:  They feel ashamed and believe it was their fault
• Consequences:  They are afraid of the consequence for leaking the truth to themselves and their family.
• Fear:  The perpetrator threatened to hurt someone they love if they tell
• Avoidance:  They just want to forget and avoid any feelings or thoughts connected to the incident.
• Familiarity:  Sadly, they might not even identify what happen to them as abuse.

Unfortunately, the impact of holding this “secret” is as detrimental to the child’s developing sense of identity and social relationships as the actual traumatic event. The inability to share the experience fosters destructive cognitive distortions, creates distance in social relationships, damages the developing sense of self, creates anxiety about being exposed and changes the trajectory of a child’s overall development.

Giving children vaccinations doesn’t guarantee that children will not get sick, but it does decrease the risk and severity of the illness if they do get sick. As parents we can inoculate our children against the long term consequences of abuse. The belief that children know how to and are capable of protecting themselves is a recipe for disaster. The most important prevention is the presence of attentive, attuned, nurturing adults, along with the mindset that adults are responsible for providing protection to children.  As caring adults we must be attuned to a child’s verbal AND non-verbal communication when determining their sense of security and safety.

Here are some preventative suggestions on how to increase your child’s ability to effectively communicate their needs to adults:

• Educate your child about their own bodies, using the correct terminology, including the concept of “private parts”.
• Talk about the difference between “safe touch” and “unsafe touch” in language they understand.
• Explain to your child that the only persons who can touch him/her on their private parts are the parents and the doctors to keep them clean and healthy. No one else should be touching them on their private parts. This is an important safety rule.
• Teach your child to use their voice to say “no” when people are violating their boundaries, runaway and to tell an adult.
• If a child expresses their discomfort being hugged or kissed, even by relatives, respect them and validate that they have the right to say “no.”
• If your child does attempt to communicate that something has happened to make him or her feel uncomfortable, first manage your own reactions and then validate the child’s experience. Your goal is to create a safe relational connection that allows the child to share more of their experience.

 The message to our children must be:

“We are not afraid to talk about it and we want you to feel comfortable talking about it if you need to!”

The Denver Children's Advocacy Center (DCAC) has successfully implemented a bilingual, research-based prevention of child sexual abuse program since 2005 entitled Denver Safe from the Start.

DCAC’s “Denver Safe from the Start” program is based on the premise that sexual abuse is 100 % preventable if those responsible for the care of young children have the necessary knowledge and skills at their disposal.  This program works simultaneously on three levels to increase the safety of children:

• By teaching educators how to identify those children who appear to be at risk for sexual abuse and then how to take the appropriate action
• By teaching parents and adults involved in the child's life  to recognize the signs of the potential for abuse (or actual abuse) and how to take appropriate action
• By teaching young children (3, 4, 5, and 6 year olds) basic self-protective skills.

Denver Safe from the Start impacts a high number of children, families/caregivers and teachers in our community every year. In 2008, we served 351 children, 85 parents and 10 teachers. In 2009, we provided services to 338 children, 102 parents and 12 teachers. 2010 was a very successful year for our Denver Safe from the Start program as DCAC received funding from the Office of Justice and Juvenile Delinquency Prevention (OJJDP) which allowed us to reach 897 children, 164 parents and 53 children.

If you'd like to obtain more information about Denver Safe from the Start, please contact Angela Davidson, Director of Prevention and Education Program at Angela.Davidson @denvercac.org or call 303-825-3850